This blog post was originally published in January 2014. It’s been one of my most read posts every day. I process my emotions through writing, and it was my hope (and still is today) that by reading through my process, it will help others process their own grief in a healthy way. Be sure to check out the follow up posts to see how I managed and came through the grieving process.

My father died last night. To say my family of origin was messy would be an understatement. My parents divorced when I was 6, and my maternal grandparents raised me. I was a Pa-Paw’s girl, and when he died nearly 12 years ago, it was hard, but I knew exactly where I stood with him and how he felt about me. This situation is a bit different.

Before sending my father an invitation to my wedding last summer, the last time I talked to him was in 2006. He said, “I saw a picture of you from your sister’s wedding. I always knew you’d be the fat one!” At the time of her wedding, I was a size 14 and have since realized I was using food to cope with the pain of a failed marriage. When my father made this statement to me, I had lost all the weight and was a size 4, but it didn’t hurt any less. I’m realizing it hurt me so much because he seemed to favor my sister, and this statement made me feel all the more like the ugly, fat outcast.

He accepted our invitation to the wedding, made a reservation at the host hotel and made plans to spend time with me before the ceremony. I was disappointed when I checked into the hotel only to find out he canceled his reservation. He got too sick to make the trip. I was unaware since we hadn’t spoken in several years, but he had be going through treatment for cancer. Both his parents died due to complications resulting from substance use, and that was also the case with him.

My husband took me to Houston during our honeymoon to see my father. During our day together, he told me about my family history, confirmed that the eye disease I’ve been diagnosed with (Retinitis Pigmentosa) was genetic with both his great, great grandparents and his great grandmother being blind and he hugged me and told me he loved me. I’m thankful we had that day together, but I still feel so much sadness, anger and remorse. Apparently, I’m not alone. A quick Google search rendered several people on message boards describing the same situation and feeling the same way ― deep sadness and remorse for the wasted years. (Now that I look back on it, I think I wasn’t feeling remorse because I did everything I could have done to have a relationship with him. I was feeling abandoned, and I was angry and hurt that he wasn’t the father to me that I needed and deserved.)

I’ve thought a lot about Dr. Wayne Dyer since last night. In his PBS special The Power of Intention he talked about his own father’s death. He was a toddler when his father left his mother and her three sons all under the age of 4. He never contacted them again. Dr. Dyer was told of his father’s passing ten years after the fact. He found out his father died from complications of substance use. He said being led to his father’s grave site through a series of miraculous events was what caused him to not only grieve but forgive his father and be set free from anger and substance use.

I’ve often wondered if my non-relationship with my father had anything to do with the problems I’ve had with self-esteem, losing weight and relationships. (I couldn’t even lose weight before my wedding in spite of trying several diets and pills. The therapist I was seeing said I should consider making the dress fit me instead of trying to make myself fit into the dress. I took his advice.)

So, what do you do to grieve an estranged parent?

Grieving is grieving regardless of the circumstances. Dr. John Gray warns in his book Mars and Venus Starting Over that moving on too quickly before going through the entire grieving process and not giving ourselves permission to feel all our feelings are two common mistakes people make. “Grieving the loss of love means fully feeling and then releasing all the painful emotions that come up when we reflect on our loss,” he wrote.

Dr. Gray said the only way to release our attachment is to feel four healing emotions:

• Anger ― Feeling and then releasing anger reconnects us to our passion for love and life.
• Sadness ― Feeling and then releasing sadness opens our hearts to feel the sweetness of love once again.
• Fear ― Feeling and then releasing fear provides the ability to discern what we need and can depend on now.
• Sorrow ― Feeling and then releasing sorrow provides the ability to discern what is possible.

It’s important during this process to not allow others to tell you what you can or should feel. Feel all the feelings that come. Identify them and write them down, if needed, so that you can release them. You have experienced a loss, and it is alright to grieve.

What are you doing to grieve the loss of an estranged parent?

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. If you’d like to book a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.