This post was published in January 2021. It’s a follow up to the original. I also made a video a year later that will guide you through an exercise to help you navigate the grieving process … be it through the dealth of a parent, the loss of a dream or job or a relationship breakup.

My father died seven years ago this month. I wrote about it when it happened, but I’ve had some realizations since that time, and my perspective of him has changed in some ways.

My parents divorced when I was 6, and my dad was never really in my life. I was much closer to my Pa-Paw (my mother’s father who raised me) than I was to my biological father. Let’s be honest, he wasn’t there for me to be the example of a good man every girl needs. He didn’t instill the self-esteem girls need from their fathers to make good choices in love and relationships. He was absent in my life, at best, and left this earth without validating me or even saying goodbye. In the months following his death, it hurt — plain and simple.

My whole life, I told myself it was alright that he wasn’t around because I had my Pa-Paw who was a wonderful father figure and loved me beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. Granny used to say, “Your grandpa would lay down his life for you girls.” I knew that was true. His last words to me were, “I love you! I love you! I love you!”

In the months following my father’s death, I began to realize how his absence and negative comments toward me not only impacted my self-esteem, but they had impacted my relationships with men. I’ve had abandonment issues with men my whole adult life. In 2014, I began to realize that it was my father abandoning me that created the panic inside me that I had been experiencing. I realized I had huge walls built up when it came to guys. I told myself those walls were there so that I didn’t get hurt unnecessarily. Being cautious and guarding your castle — your heart and emotions — is very important, and I still believe we should be wise with whom we allow into our lives. However, I began to see that I not only built walls, but I had even pushed men away. Since they all have left me anyway, it seemed easier for it to happen sooner rather than later.

“When a father abandons a relationship with his daughter, she can become frozen in time relationally with the opposite sex,” Dr. Ken Canfield, speaker and author of Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers and The Heart of a Father told the First Things First website. “A 50-year-old woman may look like an adult on the outside, but on the inside, she is still working on issues that should have been attended to by a healthy, engaged father.

“When you are frozen relationally, it is difficult to know your place and how to develop a healthy relationship because you are working from a point of need instead of working out of a position of co-equal,” he said. “There is a void in her life, and the search to fill that void prompts her to take risks in relationships which usually result in some really poor choices.”

I’ve spent the last few years working on my issues. Learning to love myself first has made the biggest impact along with practicing gratitude in every situation.

My father named me as his next of kin, and I had to take off from my last semester of college to travel down to Houston to sign his burial papers. He left what little he had to a stranger’s (to me) daughter. All I was given was a box of his belongings. It took me two years before I could go through that box. What I discovered within its contents was that my father didn’t live the best life.

I knew he served in the Vietnam War and met my mother after he returned. I knew that experience messed him up psychologically, but what I didn’t know what that he didn’t get to finish high school because he was drafted at age 17. I can’t imagine what kind of monster would send a 17-year-old boy to kill people and be killed in war. Seeing his draft papers made me feel so much compassion for him like I’ve never felt before. No wonder he was the way he was. The executive functioning of the brain located in the frontal lobe isn’t fully formed until the late 20s — around age 26. This is the part of the brain that governs our decision-making process. Thus, the reason teenagers and 20-somethings make poor decisions and think they’re invincible. A 17-year-old doesn’t have the mental capacity to handle parenthood, much less war.

I always knew he was very intelligent. He had a photographic memory — something I inherited, although mine is a little fuzzy in places, I believe because of my vision issues. He did get his GED and took some college courses before getting employed at NASA as a draftsman. I found several certificates of training from NASA that my dad earned. I’ve always been fascinated with space since I was a little girl. So, having him take me to Johnson Space Center when I was a teenager and getting my sister and I into the family room behind Mission Control was an amazing experience for me. I also found that he took some college courses at The University of Houston. These accomplishments made me feel so proud of him.

Dr. Wayne Dyer often said, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” During the last five years, I’ve come to view my father with love and compassion. I now see him as a broken person who did the best he could at the time. Do I believe he loved me? Yes, but much like my granny used to tell me when I would cry about not having him in my life as a little girl, “Honey, he loves you in his own way.” As a little girl, I knew that wasn’t the way I wanted to be loved, but as an adult, mature woman, I know it is what it is. He did the best he could. (And this is the very definition of acceptance and the end of the grieving process.)

My heart goes out to him and hurts for him, but I also know that he’s the only person who could have changed his life. I’m not responsible for that, nor can I — or will I — carry that for him. I have my own life to live. All I can do is release the negative energy and feelings I had toward him. I forgave him and now see him through the lenes of compassion. I no longer blame him for my daddy issues. I’ve taken the steps to resolve them on my own — and in the process, I’ve taken my power back.

I’m grateful for the role he played in my life, and I’m grateful for whatever role I played in his. While we didn’t have the kind of relationship I wanted or deserved, I know it had to be this way to cause me to be the strong, caring woman that I am.

If you find yourself in this situation — be it grieving the death of an estranged father or mother — I highly encourage you to do the internal work. Reading self-help books like the ones I write will get you started. Getting professional help through coaching or counseling will go further. Just realize that this isn’t a process that will be fixed in a matter of days … It could take years before you wake up one day and realize that you have transformed. That’s perfectly alright and very normal. Be tough enough on yourself to push yourself to do the internal work but gentle enough to endure the process.

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. If you’d like to book a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.