They say this is the most wonderful time of the year. It really can be, but the truth is that it often isn’t for many people.

I’ll just be big and brave enough to admit that there have been some years when I just wasn’t feeling the Christmas Spirit.

Between the stress of getting everything done and dealing with expectations of others to feeling lonely and depressed, it really can be a hard time for many people.

It’s been a wonderful time for me being a newlywed during the holidays. We’ve had some wonderful experiences this season. However, I’ve been stressed too. I was sick Thanksgiving week and spent Thanksgiving Day in bed — grateful for all that I have been blessed with but feeling sick and miserable. I spent the following week still recovering and have been playing catch up ever since. I was up late last night still putting up decorations with more to do.

I often say “don’t sweat the small stuff.” I do all the decorating, baking and Christmas stuff because it truly brings me joy. I’ve realized this year, however, that I have to edit and set priorities so that unnecessary stress doesn’t become a joy stealer.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, or if you find yourself having a Blue Christmas because of the loss of a loved one or because you find yourself all alone while everyone else is coupled up and looking like they’re living their best lives, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, too. I wrote all about it in The Royal Holiday Survival Guide, and I’m going to share with you in this post some excerpts from a chapter that I hope will help and inspire you.

I’ll admit it … There have been holiday seasons where I just wasn’t feeling like celebrating. I know people get so excited about this time of year and get all over social media talking about putting up their Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving. I get it. I’ll just be big and brave enough to admit that there have been some years when I just wasn’t feeling the Christmas Spirit.

Choosing Christmas joy

Feeling joy — especially during the most wonderful time of the year — is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself. Do you ever feel like you’re watching life pass you by? Like everyone around you is living in a different existence than you? I totally get it. I’ve been there. I understand exactly how you feel. I also know there’s a way to change those feelings to resonate on a higher, more hopeful level so that you can manifest the things you really want in life — including happiness and joy.

It’s important to choose every, single day — in every, single moment — how we’re going to feel. That is especially true this time of year if we’re alone or our circumstances don’t look like a Hallmark or Hollywood movie. The good news is that you have the power to change your mind.

I know from experience that it doesn’t feel like it in the moment, but we really do have control over our thoughts and inner world — even when our outer world is falling apart around us. It doesn’t happen immediately, but we can practice changing our thoughts to happier ones.

Some people think that happiness and joy are interchangeable, and they kind of are, but not really. Merriam-Webster defines happiness as “the state of being happy; an experience that makes you happy.” If you have followed any of my work, then you know that I don’t believe in disempowering ourselves by looking for outside sources to rescue us, give us the answers or even make us happy. While all those things are good, true empowerment comes from going to the kingdom within for all the answers — you have them inside you already. You may need someone like me to guide you through that process of discovery, but they’re there within you.

Theopedia.com defines joy as, “a state of mind and an orientation of the heart. It is a settled state of contentment, confidence and hope.” This definition of joy sounds like the type of thing I’m talking about.

Stopping negative thinking — even by screaming STOP out loud to yourself — is effective. However, it’s important to replace those negative thoughts with positive ones that make you feel positively joyful … See what I did there? Did that make you smile as big as it made me?

“You were created from a source that is peaceful and joyful. When you’re in that state of exuberant joy, you’re at peace with everything. This is what intended you here and what you’re determined to match up with in your thoughts, feelings and actions. In a state of joy, you feel fulfilled and inspired in all facets of your life,” wrote Dr. Wayne Dyer in The Power of Intention. That is the true meaning of this season — Peace on earth, goodwill toward all men.

Celebrate the season — even if you have to do it alone

I had a friend who was nine years older than me, and she was like the big sister I never had. She passed away in her early 30s, but I’ll never forget a piece of advice she once gave me. She told me, “You can’t miss out on the holidays just because you’re single and alone. You have to do all the things by yourself that you want to do one day when you have a husband and family. Every year, I put on Christmas music, decorate my apartment and make cookies,” she told me.

I hear her voice in my head saying these words every year at this time, but it was especially loud in 2020. So, one day, I put on Christmas music and decorated every room of my townhouse. Another night, I found myself singing and dancing in my kitchen to Christmas music on the radio as I baked gluten-free, sugar-free cookies. I felt happy and full of joy in those moments even though my life didn’t look like what I wanted it to or like what I was seeing others post on social media.

You know, it’s alright to be happy/joyful while you’re single. It doesn’t mean you’ll be alone forever or that you’ve given up on having love in your life. It just means that you are fine with it for now and are in no hurry to bring the wrong person into your life just to fill the space. I’m a prime example that you can manifest true love and happiness with a divine partner. If I can do it, you can, too.

It’s imperative that we learn to be happy/joyful and content right where we are in this moment while we are attracting what we really want into our lives. Joy/happiness are attraction magnets — they attract the right people, opportunities and circumstances into our lives, just like bitterness and negativity repel them.

While it’s important to be at a place of acceptance with where you are in your life, I will encourage you not to be like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City: The Movie and turn down all the invitations you receive to holiday parties this year. You never know who you might meet while out and about minding your own business and having fun.

Fake Christmas?

Now, let’s face it. Much of what we see online and on TV is fake. I’m not saying that there aren’t happy families out there having a wonderful time celebrating the season, doing all the fun traditions and enjoying each other’s company. What I am saying is that studies show that much of what you see on social media is faked to look better than it actually is — by celebrities and nobodies.

I knew someone who worked in the entertainment industry who said to me many times over the years, “Senée, don’t compare someone else’s sizzle reel to your raw footage.” This meant not to look at people online showing themselves seeming to be at their peak living their best lives — especially during the holiday season — and compare that to your lowest times in life. It really makes sense, if you think about it … You can’t compare a baby’s first steps to an Olympic gold medal track runner’s winning record. The two just aren’t comparable.

I do know that these happy holiday scenes do exist. I’ve experienced some of them in the past and have fully enjoyed them this year with my new husband and the other two holiday seasons we’ve been together. However, I do know that most people don’t experience the holidays as perfectly as they’re portrayed on TV and in movies.

Family and other relationships can be messy, and don’t always have a happy ending or peaceful resolution in a two-hour or two-week period, as in the movies. There’s always been at least one person in the background doing their best to cause drama. I’m at the point in my life where that isn’t allowed in my kingdom. So, I just ignored it as much as possible. Some things can’t be ignored, but we can try to find the funny moments in all the drama and laugh it off. Actually, that’s what I wished people would show on social media. A few do show it, but not many do it because it isn’t in keeping with the perfect holiday scene that they want people to think is their reality.

I blame the Hallmark Channel for some of this. If you’ve read my work or followed me on social media for very long, then you know that I was a huge fan of the Hallmark Christmas movies. That fascination was long over in 2020. It took locking me down all by myself for a couple of months to realize that watching someone fall in love in one to three weeks and live happily ever after is something I had no interest in doing — not because I didn’t want that in my life but because it isn’t real. We’re all smart people here. We know that isn’t real, but in some way, it gave us hope and made us think that we could experience true love, too — with all the Christmas stuff mixed in with it. Yeah, I was over it and done with it in 2020. I have found myself since then watching those Christmas movies just a tiny bit, but nothing like the 24-hours-a-day like I did in the past.

I’m living a true holiday love story, and I find experiencing a real Christmas romance is far better than the fake Christmas on TV. If watching those movies give you hope that one day you will find your mate and have those experiences, then go ahead and use it to dream. One day, you won’t be able to stand the fake Christmas when you’re living the real thing.

Healthy holiday behaviors

Some of us escape into that Hallmark Christmas movie world because our realities are so opposite of the happy families and fun Christmas times they portray. Melody Beattie wrote about this in her book The Language of Letting Go. “Many of us are torn between what we want to do on the holiday and what we feel we have to do … We may feel a sense of loss because we don’t have the kind of family that we want to be with … Many of us have old, painful memories triggered by the holidays.” Establishing healthy boundaries and new traditions that make us feel joy and peace are very important during this time to promote good mental health.

I started a tradition in college of buying myself a Christmas gift or two on Thanksgiving weekend, wrapping them and putting them under my tree. By Christmas, I have always forgotten what I bought myself, and I am surprised. Plus, I always get at least one gift that I really want and appreciate. If you have the opportunity to drive around at night and see Christmas lights this year, do it. Not everyone has that luxury. If you can go spend time in a festive place that’s all decorated up or a holiday community event — and it makes you feel happy and hopeful (that’s the key prerequisite here) — by all means, go. If you feel peace attending a religious service, being among likeminded people will be great for your mental and spiritual health. Make all these things a priority because investing this time into yourself is one of the biggest ways to love, honor and nurture yourself.

My husband and I have been taking time during the little free time we’ve had this busy holiday season to do just these things, and I have felt such joy, appreciation and peace from it. Plus, we’ve gotten some really fun and good photos out of it to remember this year.

Doing these things alone nurtures yourself and prepares you to do them in union with a future partner. Doing them with a significant other strengthens your bond and creates lasting memories — all positives for your relationship.

Sharing these activities with friends or family who nurture and support you also strengthens those relationship bonds and allows you to give and receive love so that everyone involved feels joy. However, I will caution you that spending time with toxic people will have the opposite effect and really create unpleasant memories and set you back on your journey to peace and joy. So, choose whom you spend time with wisely.

My advice is to get out and do the things this season that make you feel joyful — even if you go all by yourself. Put on the Christmas music and have a dance party in your house all by yourself if you have to, but use this time to make yourself feel good. Find out what you like doing. Make new holiday traditions all for yourself. Use this time — especially if you’re all alone — to get to know yourself and what makes you feel happy, full of joy and hopeful. Having this knowledge will help you identify the righ partner in the future or create new bonding experiences with your current partner. After all, feeling love, joy, peace and hope is the magic of the season.

May your holidays be filled with every good thing. May you feel loved, joyful, peaceful, hopeful and valuable, and may you enter the new year ready to transform into the magnificent person you truly are! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and a Prosperous New Year to you!

Senée Seale Luchsinger is a book author and the visionary behind Becoming Publishing & Coaching and The Princess Guide, a transformative coaching experience for those seeking empowerment, deep personal growth and authentic connection. If you’d like to book a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.

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