NOTE: This was originally posted in June 2021. For more insight and an exercise to do, be sure to check out the video.

Remember the Looney Toons cartoon with Pepé Le Pew? Remember how the black female cat was doused with white paint down her back making her look like a skunk? Every time Pepé saw her, he grabbed her so tight that she struggled to get away. You almost couldn’t see where she ended and he began. That is a visual representation of enmeshment. It’s toxic in family dynamics and can be detrimental in romantic relationships.

Now, let me be clear: There is nothing wrong with being close with another person. It’s actually healthy to spend time with other people and share experiences with them … That’s what we call doing life together and being interdependent. It is toxic, however, if one person becomes controlling of another.

Interdependence is a term used in Marriage & Family Therapy that means all the parts of a family unit are interconnected. When one part changes, so will all the other parts. Thus, change on any individual’s part creates change throughout the entire system.

It is possible to have cohesion — the feeling of emotional closeness to others while maintaining a balance of separateness and connectedness — without being enmeshed. In fact, enmeshment leads to the opposite of cohesion … It leaves a person feeling smothered, controlled, manipulated and not at all emotionally close to the person displaying these actions. Enmeshment focuses on togetherness only and often discourages an individual from having interests outside that relationship or being their own person.

What does enmeshment look like?

Do you know how to tell if you are in an enmeshed relationship? Dr. Tim Clinton wrote in Identifying Real Love that while we may call it love, enmeshment is actually:

• Giving in (meekly or defiantly) to the demands of a dominating person.
• Smothering a weak, needy person with too much attention and direction.
• Taking responsibility for another’s choices instead of letting them experience the consequences of their decisions.
• Losing your identity in someone else, being dominated by them and taking on that person’s emotions, values, thoughts and behaviors.
• Switching roles with your children and expecting them to meet your emotional needs.
• Building your relationship on power instead of mutual respect.

“If you’ve been mistaking counterfeit love for the real thing, then you need a breakthrough — a flash of insight and a dose of courage to take action and change the status quo. A weak, misguided definition of love causes us to give in repeatedly, but a stronger, more accurate view of love directs us to speak and act wisely to address evil, manipulative behavior,” Dr. Clinton wrote.

Healthy love looks like …

So, what is a healthy definition of love? Dr. Clinton said you can spot true love by these qualities:

• True love offers a safe place to be you. It isn’t driven by a desire to rescue, over protect, control or manipulate … or a need to perform. 
• True love values the other person for who they are and celebrates healthy separateness. 
• True love genuinely wants the best for the other person. It is grounded in our heart’s desire to cherish, honor and treasure another simply because of who they are. 

Control issues

Again, when we’re talking about enmeshment, we’re talking about the lack of healthy separateness and outside experiences. When we drill down to the core of the problem, what we’re really dealing with is control issues.

Enmeshment can often be summed up as another person’s desire to control someone else. This typically occurs because they have no control over their own world and inner peace. So, they look outside themselves to find control, but that can only come from within. It is often cloaked in fear — fear of losing someone’s attention, love, devotion, servitude, etc. Another reason a person can display these behaviors is that they could have personality disorders or mental health issues that are undiagnosed or not being properly treated. In any case, it is unhealthy for everyone involved.

“Whatever we try to control does have control over us and our lives … Even if we could control things and people, even if we got what we wanted, we would still be ourselves. Our emotional states would still be in turmoil,” wrote Melody Beattie in The Language of Letting Go.

Beattie is an author in the codependency recovery space and talks about control issues being a hallmark sign of a codependent person. As I’ve stated earlier, interdependence and being interconnected are healthy. However, being codependent is completely the opposite.

I’ve heard it referred to by some practitioners as self-love deficit disorder. Earnie Larson, a codependency specialist and pioneer in the field, defined codependency as, “Those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to imitate or participate in loving relationships.”

As I’ve often said, the great news about learned behavior is that it can be unlearned. “When we’re in a frenzied state, searching for happiness outside ourselves and looking to others to provide our peace and stability, remember this … People and things don’t stop our pain or heal us. In recovery, we learn that this is our job, and we can do it by using our resources: ourselves, our Higher Power, our support systems and our recovery program,” Beattie wrote.

If you are in a relationship with someone practicing enmeshment, you may be able to establish some boundaries with them. This tends to work best with mentally healthy people and those who are in therapy, coaching or a recovery program. It may not work so well with someone living a life full of toxic, negative behaviors. You may have to separate yourself physically from them (or greatly limit their access to you) until they are healthy enough for the behavior to diminish.

If you’re in an enmeshed relationship of any kind, my advice to you would be what it always is — Love yourself first in a healthy way, go to the kingdom within and know exactly what behaviors you are willing to accept and which ones you are not, set clear boundaries and enforce them and do what is best for you.

Being in service to others does not mean that you allow people to mistreat you. It does not mean that you do for others what they are capable of doing for themselves. It means you show love to others as much as possible while guarding the kingdom within — analyzing and taking care of your thoughts, emotions and actions and setting and enforcing healthy boundaries. You are only responsible for your choices and no one else’s.

Do you have a question about life that you want Senée to answer? Leave it in the comments or email it to PrincessGuide@BecomingPublishing.com.

Senée Seale is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people create positive changes in their lives. If you’d like to book a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.